The end of healing

The true cost of healing is your old identity

healing (noun)

• the process of becoming well again, especially after a cut or other injury, or of making someone well

• the process in which a bad situation or painful emotion ends or improves

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I was in pursuit of healing for more than a decade. I wanted to heal because I recognized there was something (many things) holding me back. I just couldn’t identify it, nor did I have the language for it. In those years, I was searching and grasping for everything but myself; I accumulated information and tried many different approaches to healing. Now, when I look back, I sometimes wish I’d been as relentless in pursuing myself as I was in seeking new healing modalities, tools, and resources. But I don’t dwell on that period of lostness; I know it wasn’t wasted time or effort—it was merely the result of being misguided. Thankfully, life offers us second chances, and I found a path that led me back to myself.

Healing is deeply personal work, but it has become commodified, creating many false paths that lead people astray. At every corner, there’s a book, podcast, course, method, or practice that promises healing. On one hand, this is a good thing because it has provided more access points for everyone. On the other hand, it has also led to the rise of individuals who have no business teaching others how to heal.

If you’ve spent enough time in wellness communities you may be familiar with this commonly accepted saying, “we teach what we need to heal.” In most other contexts, the idea of learning from someone who is still learning would seem kind of absurd. I believe this approach is acceptable in these communities because emotional and psychological healing is personal, and therefore, the process is unique for each person. People who actively seek to work on themselves in this way typically embrace a sense of openness and experimentation, which makes them more inclined to explore different approaches. And because they genuinely need help, the abundance of well-marketed tactics makes it all too easy to latch on to anything or anyone that promises to help them heal. It cultivates an attitude of “if this doesn’t work for you, something else will”, ultimately keeping them in a perpetual state of seeking.

Many teachers, professionals, and experts in the wellness community will tell you that they came to their understanding of a particular topic because they needed a solution for themselves. What some will omit is that they are yet to master the topic they teach, that they are still searching, or still a work in progress. This is not to say they have nothing valuable to offer, but to point out that even though the desire to support others on their healing journey is noble, the complexity and nuance it requires can make this endeavor misguided. Both teacher and student can be misled: for the teacher, if they attain a level of success they believe their approach is foolproof; for the student, if a particular approach provides temporary relief then they’re more inclined to believe that it holds all the answers. Even the most well-meaning practitioners can be oblivious to how or where they are leading others astray.

We could say that the responsibility lies with the person seeking healing because if they’re going to spend their time, effort, and money on something, they should at least do their research. That’s valid—but we need to account for wishful thinking, confirmation bias, and the fact that so many people live in a perpetual state of cognitive dissonance. For me, the responsibility lies with the person offering the guidance, because if you’re going to position yourself as a guide, it’s only ethical to let your customers know the limitations of your work. But, alas, capitalism.

This is where discernment comes in. Without discernment, we fall prey to a system that thrives on our very human desire to feel “good enough”. It’s important to recognize that while a particular approach can help you start your healing journey, it may not take you the whole way. Unfortunately, it does require trial and error to figure out what works for you. You can’t force, rush, or impose a timeline on your healing. Sometimes you work on a specific issue for years, but it’s not until you have an experience that directly touches on that issue that you’re able to assess how far you’ve come or how far you still need to go.

Ellen Pompeo once talked about Meredith Grey being a frustrating character because she never seemed to heal or learn how to be in a healthy relationship even after Derek’s death. Photo Illustration: Vulture

There’s no formula or equation for healing, but if there were, I’d bet good money that you are the most vital part of the formula. Without your active participation, there is no healing. So please understand this: your healing is not profitable for society—actually, it’s very bad for capitalism. The true cost of healing is your old identity; it has nothing to do with your bank account or disposable income. All you truly need to heal is yourself and the resolve to do it. No book, podcast, program, teacher, or practice can make that decision for you. And just because someone has become visibly successful teaching about healing doesn’t mean they’re leading you down the right path for you.

When we stop outsourcing our agency and take responsibility for our lives, it propels us to make different decisions—this is the real work of healing. Depending on everything and everyone but ourselves leads us to believe that someone else has the answers we seek or that following a prescribed path will lead us to our desired destination. True healing begins when you commit to hearing your inner voice, the voice that’s been quieted by all those painful experiences. It’s when you recognize that nobody can lead you down the exact path that is meant for you. If you’re lucky, you’ll have others walk alongside you, but mostly, you’ll be doing it alone.

As I was thinking about why we willingly outsource our agency and give our hard-earned money to people who can’t take us to our desired destination, I came up with two answers. One answer is ignorance: we don’t know they can’t lead us to where we need to go. The second reason relates to the widely accepted belief that “healing is a journey, not a destination.” I no longer believe this. To say we are healing for the rest of our lives is to imply that a wound never fully heals. But we know that wounds can and do heal when properly cared for. Sure, they leave scars, but a scar is not an open wound you’re constantly prodding at. A scar is proof that healing has occurred. Whether we agree on healing having a destination or not, I hope we can agree that it’s a marathon, which takes time and endurance—but does not go on forever. At some point, you stop running.

When you meet people who have genuinely healed from unimaginable circumstances, you start to believe that complete healing is possible and wonder how they did it. My personal belief is that true healing will always include a spiritual component. We’re constantly inundated with information, and when coupled with a natural inclination for meaning-making, it’s difficult to step out of the stories we’ve become bound to. For healing to take place, I believe one must surrender to a higher power outside of themselves to complete what they cannot. Healing emotional and psychological wounds deals with invisible subjects and experiences, so we need to turn inward, in a way that does not seek to rationalize these wounds but to cure them for good.

You may have a different belief, and that’s perfectly fine. Whatever you believe, it’s worth interrogating. What are your beliefs about healing anchored in? If you no longer had access to the tools and resources you’ve leaned on so heavily, how would you fare? If you’re unsure, my unsolicited advice is to start de-conditioning. Get rid of everything for a while and try thugging it out on your own so that you can learn to hear and trust your voice again. Yes, there are countless resources to support you, but ultimately, if you try to walk someone else’s path, you will certainly end up lost. So, walk your path. Discerning your voice and trusting your judgment is the best place to start.

Healing is a cleansing of what was. It’s not so much about seeking to erase history or not acknowledging it, but about moving forward and recognizing that you can live a different story. We often hear about how we heal in relationships, and it’s true, but you must first believe that complete healing is possible—independent of anyone or anything else but yourself. Healing that is tethered to the physical can be a recipe for disaster. When you commit to being healed—not just the idea of it, but the actual difficult process—things will begin to shift whether you like it or not. Your job is to hold on, breathe in, and stay the course.

Healing is being at peace with yourself, without the need to create or hold on to narratives. But there’s also an intangible and indescribable aspect of healing that you can only discover when you truly choose yourself. And I don’t mean choosing yourself in a half-hearted way while you still cling to identities and stories that explain why you are the way you are. I mean choosing yourself as in, making different choices, even—nay, especially!—when it feels hard. It’s not something anyone can show or teach you. You kind of just have to step into it blindly, but determined. You’ll soon come to understand that healing doesn’t mean that you (or your life) will suddenly become perfect. Far from it. But it does mean that you begin to experience life from a place of inner wholeness. How much do you think that costs?

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A few things…

• I wasn’t sure what to expect from this essay on why women find Tony Soprano appealing, but it’s great, just read it.

  You can disagree with Tony, but he’s never going to stop doing what he believes is right—for him, adhering to a kind of Jersey mob mos maiorum—just because you challenge him. To be clear: Tony is a murderous, philandering, sociopathic monster.

• If you’ve found yourself in any kind of relational dynamic with someone who is careless with you, please—I’m begging—remember this: choose people who choose you.

  People are exploitative, but they generally don’t misuse those they care about.

• This piece on burnout is long and worth your time. I experienced burnout in 2021 and I am still in recovery. There’s nothing like it (in a bad way) and the best cure is to avoid it altogether. It completely changed my perspective and experience of work.

  I want to share that burnout is a seismic shift in a person’s priorities, one that the body enacts by force  as a self-preservation tactic — and that some people are so transformed by the experience they can never piece their old life back together. But what’s most difficult (and most delicate) to tell Hea is that all of this might be a good thing. In many ways, burnout is an attempt by the body to give us our freedom back — but it can only do so by taking away our ability to be exploited. 

• I love a good profile and haven’t read one in a while. I also love Ina Garten, and thankfully, her profile in The New Yorker delivers. A woman after my own heart.

  “I saw part of my job as investing Jeffrey’s money in real estate,” Garten said.

• I’m reading and enjoying One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez and I didn’t expect to find dry humor in it??? Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, I’m also curious to see if/how it translates to the screen; it’ll be released as a show on Netflix in December.